I was recently surprised with the news of an update in my life status... I was going to be a grandmother! What a feeling of love and pride and expectations! This was a little over 3 weeks ago and today I was given another bit of news that took the life and breath out of me.. My unborn grand-baby has cystic hygroma. This is a fluid filled cyst that is usually an indication of chromosomal defects. I Googled more info on this and discovered there is a very high risk that he may not survive the pregnancy. According to the doctors my son and his girlfriend talked to today, there is about a 17 to 20% chance of surviving full term .
I have felt such an overwhelming surge of restlessness. In part, restless to do something.. ANYTHING to help. And yet, I can't. This is out of our hands. All we can do is watch and wait and pray. I feel restless, too, in the fact that it feels like a child would feel if given an ice cream cone and then right before the first bite, it is held just out of reach. I feel taunted. I fell in love with the baby I glimpsed in the ultrasound picture the first time I viewed it. Within seconds, I was already in planning stages.. what would I be called? What would he/she look like? . not to mention, I even began to peruse the ads for baby beds, other baby items, and even a camcorder (looking forward to those endless videos every grandparent proudly subjects friends and family to view)... and now.. ? Now I feel like that child without the ice cream.. I can still see it but not confidant that it will be mine.
But, in ways that only God can do, I have been given a peace and comfort. Out of nowhere, the verse quoted at the beginning sprang into my mind and heart. 'Be still, and know that I am God'.
I think this means, to me, that I must remember that God is the Great Physician and He is in control of everything. Perhaps I need to quieten my thoughts and let Him take over (be still) and realize that God has a plan in all things. I still pray that all is going to have a happy ending with me sitting one day in the hospital room holding a beautiful and healthy grand-baby. I don't think God intends us to give up; He built in the emotion of hope into our psyche. I will continue to hope and to pray .... and to Be Still ....
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